Sunday, July 14, 2024
HomeLIFESTYLE#FANCYSTHOUGHTSFancy's Thoughts: All Was Not in Vain

Fancy’s Thoughts: All Was Not in Vain

Finally, I feel my creativity coming back. It’s been missing for quite some time. I almost want to say since the start of the year, if not before that, but I did have some creative moments while creating and marketing our last issue. However, those were short-lived as that was one of the most difficult issues we have published, and I was battling depression throughout that time. It felt as if I was running nonstop from January to May. Then in May, my business slowed down tremendously. Clients were not paying or paying inconsistently, meanwhile, my expenses had grown and I still had a payroll to meet three times per month. It was a stressful time. 


I’ve said it before but I always think I will not be saying it again, but I thought about quitting. It crossed my mind a lot but I could never figure out what else I might be good at and enjoy doing. I love writing but I hadn’t been able to write. I had not been able to concentrate and my thoughts were very, very dark-nothing I want to share with people. 


What Happened Was… 

After attending EPIC Woman in late April, I decided to go on a 90-day journey to find myself with hopes of getting my creative juices flowing. The naive me really thought this was going to be a cakewalk. I thought that all the changes I would make would go smoothly and I would be fine. 


I was not fine at all. I was very uncomfortable. It started with business slowing down more, then clients giving me anxiety, the guy I was seeing for almost exactly a year ghosted me, and my cousin was killed in a hit-and-run accident. 


I was already spiraling before everything kicked off, but once the series of events began to occur, I just lost it. I had quit self-medicating and everything and everyone worked my nerves. I felt alone and abandoned. I lost 10 lbs due to a lack of appetite and stress. I quit self-medicating because it no longer helped and I had already sworn off men when I began the 90 days in May. I could not sleep at night and woke up each morning with panic attacks. I kept my phone on do not disturb.


I had been off my bipolar medication because I had been doing so well that the diagnostician and I thought I could make it without them, but in the end, that is what I had to go back to. I hated it but I had to admit I needed to be on medication. I hated the feeling of rage and being distant from everyone. I felt like I was letting down the people I loved and cared about, and in the end, I had to ask the diagnostician to put me back on that particular medication. Though the pills themselves are small, it was a hard pill to swallow but I did it. 


But before I did that, I made a conscious decision to do better. One day I woke up and said I am going to be happy today. I will be productive today, and I did, but unfortunately, that was also the same day the online editor told me they were leaving. In some ways that was a good thing because it was one less person on the payroll but it also meant that I would have to do the work. I could no longer do the bare minimum like I had grown to do and then task out everything else. I had to get my head back in the game. 


It has not been easy. I’ve lost people and things along the journey. In some ways, I almost lost myself because I had begun to question everything. I felt like a failure. I wondered if my time would ever come. I wondered if I had wasted soon-to-be twelve years of my life. I wondered if I would ever have a man that I could depend on but I never questioned if I was worthy of love. I would not go that far because as horrible as I felt, I knew I had been doing a lot of growing. I just wondered if it was in the wrong areas.


How I Spent My Time


I listened to audiobooks on Audible to help keep me sane and tune out my racing thoughts. Getting caught up in a story is a great way to trick your brain into turning off. I read the following books during this time “Breakup Bootcamp” by Amy Chan; “The Perfect Day to Boss Up” (second time reading) and “Hurricanes” by Rick Ross & Neil Martinez-Belkin; “Napoleon Hill’s Outwitting the Devil” by Napoleon Hill and edited by Sharon L. Lechter, “Set Boundaries Find Peace” by Nedra Glover Tawaab (another re-read); “When Chickenhead Come Home to Roost” by Joan Morgan; and “The Five Levels of Attachment” by don Miguel Ruiz Jr. I thought I would share those in case anyone was looking for a good read. 


Some other good things to occur during this time were we got placements for all of our then-clients in May, which was a big deal to me. I am currently the cover story of Rally Up Magazine, which is a mental health publication, I enrolled back in school to complete my studies for my degree, and I hired a new lawyer for my child-custody case. As for the clients, I lost during this time, I realized what I really did was enforced my boundaries and removed some headaches from my life, and I am proud of myself for that. 


I also did a lot of journaling during this time but I had strayed from my affirmations. It almost seems as if once I began to practice those again, I began to see my luck change. Of course, I did a lot of thinking and reflecting. I realized some things I needed to change about my business to ensure I do not end up in this situation again. Of course, I was supposed to be finding myself and I discovered that I do not enforce my boundaries enough and that was a big source of my anger. So I am also working on that. 


What I Learned…

I am now 70 days into my 90-day journey and overall, I must admit that this time was not spent in vain. While there were many times I wondered if God had forgotten about me and wondered what I had done wrong, I now think that what God was doing was making room for me to receive better. I needed to be uncomfortable so I could see how things were not working properly. I needed to be abandoned to know that people did not value me the way I valued them. I needed all of this time and I am thankful for it. And now I am getting my creativity back… Yasss! Thank you God! 


If you would like to learn more about my 90-day journey you can watch my vlogs here, but I need to get caught up.

Francheska Felder
Francheska Felder
Francheska “Fancy” Felder is an award-winning editor, publisher, publicist, and quiet Southern media mogul. In 2010, she launched SwagHer Magazine, an empowerment and lifestyle publication for the Black woman who likes to keep it real, which also doubles as a PR boutique. SwagHer Magazine uses positive media and storytelling to create new narratives and mindsets around Black women, their communities, and the businesses and organizations they lead, while the boutique strategically executes press and brand campaigns. The proud SU alum is also the publicist for Power Influence Radio and hostess of the CEO Chatter LIVE Podcast. Because she battles with bipolar disorder, Fancy is a proud mental health advocate.


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