Are you already happy? Am I already happy?
All my life, I have thought that happiness is to be found, like some treasure or a pot of gold. It never occurred to me that I could already be happy or experience happiness at any moment. I was always in search of it.
Since I began my Finding Fancy journey of self-discovery, I have been exploring and learning. Some things interested me, but I was not sure if I really liked them because I hadn’t committed myself to doing them with my full attention. Let me explain: because of my social anxiety, it is difficult for me to be comfortable when out in public. I spend more time in my head than being present in the activities I should be enjoying. I think my ADD is a big part of it, but a lot of the time, I watch the clock because I always feel like I have something that I need to do. So, I have a hard time experiencing things. In the end, for me, it was just an indifferent time-filler, and I would still feel unfulfilled.
That feeling would haunt me, leaving me with a void in life. I felt like I was constantly yearning for something. Not even practicing gratitude was enough. I have a lot to be grateful for, and I am, but the wandering soul in me always questions if there is more.
However, since I started Finding Fancy, I have had more open-minded discussions with myself and talk to myself nicely but truthfully, and I try to be more present in what I am doing. Being present has helped me tremendously because I am often on autopilot, but I now give my whole attention to people and situations when dealing with them. If I am texting my daughters in our group chat, then I am focused on that. When grading my students’ work, that is all I am paying attention to. Being present in the moment allows me to see things I usually would not have noticed.
During one of these times, I noticed I had been smiling more. I enjoyed my students more; I could laugh with them and better understand their side of the story. I questioned if it was because all my troubles were gone, but quickly remembered that could not be the case because I was still juggling a great deal.
However, this deep reflection made me realize I was still handling all the challenges while enjoying life. As foreign as it sounds, yes, I was enjoying life. Being employed is not my favorite thing, but I can pay my bills and know I will have more funds to follow the money I spend. Thankfully, my day job allows me time to work on SwagHer Magazine, and I have a great team to work with. I come home to my own cozy place and can walk through my house naked if I want. I have food in my refrigerator, air, running water, and lights. I am on my bipolar meds and hadn’t been having feelings of depression. I read my books and stream. I don’t have to explain myself to anyone. At that time, I was just beginning to go places in the DMV, but I realized I had everything I needed. Could I be happy?
I know it sounds like a crazy question, but because I cannot clearly recall a time before when I was happy in life, it seemed strange to me. I mean– really, could I be happy? Is this what happiness feels like? I know we each have our own definition of happiness, but I never could say what that looked like for me.
When school got out, I began going to more places like The Happy Pop-Up, a Chianti Lomax production, and Trap Karaoke. I could work on SwagHer whenever I wanted. Ideas began to come to me more frequently, and I would find myself in my work zone, a place I had not been able to find over the past few months. I also began working out consistently, and I could see the changes in my body. They were subtle, but I noticed them and was happier with my body than I had been in a long time.
But what confirmed my happiness was when I went to yoga the other day. It was a free beginners yoga class at Mary & Main, and while I was super nervous, I knew the dispensary had a very laid-back atmosphere. Then, when I saw only about 10 of us, I was nervous again because I did not want all my mistakes and blunders to be seen. However, about 10 minutes into the class, I was no longer worried about that. All I could think about was how good it felt to stretch my usually uptight body out. Everyone was feeling the same way from the sounds I heard around me. I honestly think that was the best yoga class I had ever attended.
As I headed home that evening, I made a mental reminder to sign up for the class again for the next week, silently committing to making this my Monday evening thing. Then I smiled because it hit me that I was doing everything I had longed to do. I was becoming the woman I had been dreaming of being for years. I am living a full life like I yearned to be doing. Yes, I was happy! I AM HAPPY!
I know this feeling may sometimes waiver and even dissipate at some point, but for now, I am embracing it. All is well in my world.
So my question for you, Intentional Queen, is, are you happy already? Could you possibly be overlooking your own happiness?
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