Tuesday, July 16, 2024

Finding Fancy: Am I Happy?

Are you already happy? Am I already happy? 

All my life, I have thought that happiness is to be found, like some treasure or a pot of gold. It never occurred to me that I could already be happy or experience happiness at any moment. I was always in search of it.

Since I began my Finding Fancy journey of self-discovery, I have been exploring and learning. Some things interested me, but I was not sure if I really liked them because I hadn’t committed myself to doing them with my full attention. Let me explain: because of my social anxiety, it is difficult for me to be comfortable when out in public. I spend more time in my head than being present in the activities I should be enjoying. I think my ADD is a big part of it, but a lot of the time, I watch the clock because I always feel like I have something that I need to do. So, I have a hard time experiencing things. In the end, for me, it was just an indifferent time-filler, and I would still feel unfulfilled. 

That feeling would haunt me, leaving me with a void in life. I felt like I was constantly yearning for something. Not even practicing gratitude was enough. I have a lot to be grateful for, and I am, but the wandering soul in me always questions if there is more. 

Fancy, Chianti Lomax, and Glory Edim
Fancy, Chianti Lomax, and Glory Edim at Lomax’s book signing for “Evolving While Black”

However, since I started Finding Fancy, I have had more open-minded discussions with myself and talk to myself nicely but truthfully, and I try to be more present in what I am doing. Being present has helped me tremendously because I am often on autopilot, but I now give my whole attention to people and situations when dealing with them. If I am texting my daughters in our group chat, then I am focused on that. When grading my students’ work, that is all I am paying attention to. Being present in the moment allows me to see things I usually would not have noticed. 

During one of these times, I noticed I had been smiling more. I enjoyed my students more; I could laugh with them and better understand their side of the story. I questioned if it was because all my troubles were gone, but quickly remembered that could not be the case because I was still juggling a great deal. 

However, this deep reflection made me realize I was still handling all the challenges while enjoying life. As foreign as it sounds, yes, I was enjoying life. Being employed is not my favorite thing, but I can pay my bills and know I will have more funds to follow the money I spend. Thankfully, my day job allows me time to work on SwagHer Magazine, and I have a great team to work with. I come home to my own cozy place and can walk through my house naked if I want. I have food in my refrigerator, air, running water, and lights. I am on my bipolar meds and hadn’t been having feelings of depression. I read my books and stream. I don’t have to explain myself to anyone. At that time, I was just beginning to go places in the DMV, but I realized I had everything I needed.  Could I be happy? 

Fancy and Autumn Joi of Autumn Joi Live
Autumn Joi and Fancy on Autumn Joi Live set.

I know it sounds like a crazy question, but because I cannot clearly recall a time before when I was happy in life, it seemed strange to me. I mean– really, could I be happy? Is this what happiness feels like? I know we each have our own definition of happiness, but I never could say what that looked like for me. 

When school got out, I began going to more places like The Happy Pop-Up, a Chianti Lomax production, and Trap Karaoke. I could work on SwagHer whenever I wanted. Ideas began to come to me more frequently, and I would find myself in my work zone, a place I had not been able to find over the past few months. I also began working out consistently, and I could see the changes in my body. They were subtle, but I noticed them and was happier with my body than I had been in a long time. 

Lyvonne Briggs, Fancy, and two others.
Fancy at The Happy Pop-Up with Lyvonne Briggs to her left.

But what confirmed my happiness was when I went to yoga the other day. It was a free beginners yoga class at Mary & Main, and while I was super nervous, I knew the dispensary had a very laid-back atmosphere. Then, when I saw only about 10 of us, I was nervous again because I did not want all my mistakes and blunders to be seen. However, about 10 minutes into the class, I was no longer worried about that. All I could think about was how good it felt to stretch my usually uptight body out. Everyone was feeling the same way from the sounds I heard around me. I honestly think that was the best yoga class I had ever attended. 

As I headed home that evening, I made a mental reminder to sign up for the class again for the next week, silently committing to making this my Monday evening thing. Then I smiled because it hit me that I was doing everything I had longed to do. I was becoming the woman I had been dreaming of being for years. I am living a full life like I yearned to be doing. Yes, I was happy!  I AM HAPPY! 

I know this feeling may sometimes waiver and even dissipate at some point, but for now, I am embracing it. All is well in my world.  

So my question for you, Intentional Queen, is, are you happy already? Could you possibly be overlooking your own happiness?


For more Fancy’s Thoughts articles, click here.

Francheska Felder
Francheska Felderhttp://swagheronline.com
Francheska “Fancy” Felder is an award-winning editor, publisher, publicist, and quiet Southern media mogul. In 2010, she launched SwagHer Magazine, an empowerment and lifestyle publication for the Black woman who likes to keep it real, which also doubles as a PR boutique. SwagHer Magazine uses positive media and storytelling to create new narratives and mindsets around Black women, their communities, and the businesses and organizations they lead, while the boutique strategically executes press and brand campaigns. The proud SU alum is also the publicist for Power Influence Radio and hostess of the CEO Chatter LIVE Podcast. Because she battles with bipolar disorder, Fancy is a proud mental health advocate.

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