While writing about my recent violent relationship, I shared that I was not too fond of the thought of being a victim. Still, as I was thinking about it later, I realized that I was always the victim before I grew into the person I am today.
I wasn’t placing myself in situations so that I would always be the victim, but somehow that is always the condition I found myself in at the end of every “shipâ€; it didn’t matter if it was an intimate relationship, friendship, or a business/professional partnership. I always ended up with the short end of the stick.
Then I noticed that whenever telling my side of the story, I was the constant loser. I grew tired and bitter at one point. It seemed like life was out to get me. Everyone I allowed in my life was out to get me. It was a depressing time because I wanted the closeness of a relationship or friendship, but people scared me. I didn’t allow myself to get close to others for fear of when and how they would turn on me.
I’ll never forget working with an artist that was quite the flirt, but when he saw my bad dating habits, he one day pulled me aside and told me to guard my heart. That was over seven years ago, but that message stayed with me.
I pondered on it for some time, and then finally decided he must’ve meant that I should not allow people in, and that is what I began to do until I realized how lonely it was.
So I thought his words some more, but I also began to see the error in my ways. The more I reflected on it, the more I realized I had to take ownership of many of my actions, such as overlooking and allowing things initially or giving or sharing too much of myself far too soon. I wasn’t setting any boundaries and standards for the quality of the relationships I wanted to cultivate. I wasn’t setting myself up for success.
When my co-hostess Arnya and I talked with Dr. Shante Holley in Ep 41. of Theories and Thoughts Podcast, we discussed impostor syndrome and self-sabotage. In contrast, Dr. Shante shared that when we consciously don’t set ourselves up for success, we are sabotaging ourselves. In layman’s terms, you know what you need to do to prepare, but you choose not to do so, you’re sabotaging yourself because you know you will nine out of ten not achieve your desired outcome, but it’s your fault.
It’s not all about teaching people how to treat you or avoiding people all together to avoid bad events, but what is your desired outcome? Here are eight questions to ask yourself for a stronger mindset to prepare you to be the victor and not the victim.
1. Are you consciously making an effort to align all of your actions towards said outcome?
Think positive and expect a positive outcome.
2. Are you taking precautions, taking notes of the little things that aren’t adding up?
Are you noticing inconsistencies? Don’t dismiss them so quickly. It’s for your own protection. Those are red flags.
3. Is there an agenda, and if so, are you comfortable with it?
We all have an agenda of some sort. Most times, they are of no harm to others, but not everyone has good intentions, and it is even said the road to hell was paved with good intentions.
4. Do you have clarity on the situation?
When we lack clarity in anything, the outcome can be disastrous. It can be chaotic and stressful, trying to figure out situations. Anything that leaves you a mess is not conducive to the betterment of you.
5. Be real with yourself. What could wrong in this situation?
Look out all outcomes. We like to think that we can play everything out, but you know what they say, “If you want to hear God laugh….â€
6. Are you prepared for that turn of events?
If there is a plot twist, what would you do? Do you have backup plans in place? Of course, this isn’t really for intimate relationships. Those backup plans usually are worse than the original. 😉
7. Are you mentally prepared for the best?
Are you really prepared for a blessing? Would you know it if you receive it? What does it look like to you? Visualize it. Feel it in anticipation.
8. Are you mentally prepared for the worst?
Can you deal with whatever it is should things go wrong? Have you considered the time you may need to take to bounce back, and how much time can you afford should things go off track? Life is too busy to be losing time. How would you move forward?
First, I decided I no longer wanted to be the victim and then took ownership of my own misdoings. Then I changed my way of thinking and began to have healthy conversations with myself. I am not a victim. I am the master of my fate.
I create my own reality. I attract healthy relationships, walk away when things or people after a thorough review, and do not appear to wish me well or benefit me. I don’t give people or events the situation to change up on me, but should they do so, I accept that there were usually red flags that predicted such actions. Still, I chose to ignore them, and I show myself compassion for being human and wanting to see the best in others. Then I move on, releasing that person or situation because holding on to them serves me no purpose.
Once I began to change my thinking, I stopped being a victim to others and circumstances. I set myself up to succeed, and I know that if I don’t, then I accept they or it was not for me, or either it just wasn’t my time at the moment. Everything that is for comes into my life when I am prepared for it.
Shift your mindset, change your life, stop being the victim.
