Finally Free, My Mental Health Story
A few months ago I happened to catch the actress Jenifer Lewis promoting her book, The Mother of Black Hollywood: A Memoir. I was intrigued as I watched, and she explained how she began to accept the doctor’s bipolar diagnosis after the doctor pointed out the signs of Lewis’s anxiety. I mentally checked things off in my own mind. I too talk fast, but had always contributed that to my family, not thinking about how many of them also struggle with mental health. Reckless sex- well I wouldn’t say reckless, but I could seek healthier relationships, to put it mildly. Mood swings, double check.
I didn’t immediately act on what my gut was telling me. Instead I got caught up in life, but her interview would often come to mind. I have discussed my mental health issues before, and I would like to consider myself somewhat of a holistic mental health advocate, but last year I felt like I tried some of everything for my anxiety and then depression, and nothing much was helping. I was not sleeping. I had no interest in anything. I began having anger problems. To say I was unhappy is an understatement. I was miserable, but right before I jumped off the ledge, I went to the doctor. She prescribed me anti-depressants, but I was still so busy, I waited weeks before going to have them filled. However, when I did, that was life changing.
A few weeks ago, I woke up at 2 am so happy and relieved. Not because everything in my life was perfect, but because I hadn’t had an anxiety attack in a month. I never realized the extent of my anxiety until I was able to experience life without it. I was having anxiety attacks all day throughout the day.
No one knows how struggled at my last job interacting with people and making phone calls. I literally had to prepare myself to call customers on the phone, because it was that overwhelming. Now think about the fact that I work in media, and have to talk to people for a living.  I’ve endured numerous unhealthy relationships, because I only communicated with men during or after sex, because I could not hold real conversations before. I struggled with opening myself with my children. We have good relationships now, but I had to work hard at that, and even they say still say I am weird, not quite understanding my social awkwardness.
My depression was often brought on because of my need to be able to express myself, and I couldn’t. I felt trapped. I felt like I didn’t belong. I still feel like I don’t belong here but that’s another story. I just feel so relieved.
I wanted to share this message today in case there is someone out there suffering in silence the way I once did.  I’m sharing this in case someone else needs to know they aren’t alone. Stop thinking you have to accept that life of worry and gloom, because you do not. I felt like a traitor, deciding to go the big pharmacy route, but my new found ability to enjoy life and be present, without worrying about the past (depression) or stressing over the future (anxiety) is a beautiful thing. Now I have not given up on my holistic practices, but I encourage you to do what is best for you. Thank you Mrs. Lewis for being transparent while sharing your story. I still have to get the book, but I will definitely be doing so.
Peace and blessings,
Fancy
