If you hadn’t noticed, I am big on self-reflection and taking the time to really get to know me. I ask myself how I am feeling and why often. I guess it is because I am usually such an emotional person, but now that I take medication for my bipolar disorder, I’ve mentioned that I don’t feel as much as I used to.
The other day I shared how I don’t feel excitement which is challenging as a creative because I feel like I’ve lost my passion, but I’ve also lost my passion in other ways.
Being on meds seems to have blocked my hormones in some way. I don’t feel like a woman most days.
I am not sure how to describe it, but it’s like the femininity and sexiness that I once felt all the time as I went about my day is gone. It’s hard for me to be turned on. I crave a passionate fire that I just can’t seem to build within myself but I remember what it was like and I want it back.
A part of it may be the weight I’ve gained over the winter months and how unhappy I am with it, but I work out now and I am beginning to see some small changes in my body. That makes me a little happy.
I hadn’t really wanted to shop because I am waiting to get back to my regular size but I have purchased some items. Most are crop tops which is really inspiring to me because I’ve never liked wearing those but I am trying to something new. So shopping is one thing I am trying.
I also have been playing in makeup as I call it. I’ve never been the makeup type of girl but I am trying to learn how to do my makeup. As an artist, it’s slightly interesting how I struggle with getting it right, but it also gives me something to do with my time while also making me feel a little better about myself. My friend Arnya says she plays in makeup when she wants to feel better too, so I got the idea from her.
Another thing that I like to do is practice being in the moment. I like to feel in the act of things. For example, I have an area rug in my house where we can’t wear shoes, and I enjoy feeling the softness of the material on my feet when I walk over it at times. Sometimes I sit on the sofa and just run my feet back and forth to feel its comforting touch.
Some people take themselves on dates, but I go on dates. I don’t want to go on a date and be alone, I yearn for deep conversations about nothing and yet everything. Plus, it’s a good feeling to show up looking cute and see the desire of a man I won’t lie.
However, all of these feelings are still surface level. I still can’t say they penetrate… me…But I have noticed that I am feeling more pleased when I look at myself in the mirror day by day. For one I know that I am working to become the woman I always wanted to be. It’s a slow process but something tells me that I am.
The other day Arnya said something that really touched me. She said to ask yourself if you are the woman that you needed when you were younger. I found that to be really intriguing because I never thought about the woman I needed when I was younger whereas I built up a profile or anything but I have made slight notes, and I realize I am that woman, that soul sister, but prissy and chic.
I am slowly becoming while overcoming…
