I had a mid-life crisis at 40.
Turning 40 was a life-changing experience for me. Notice I said this for myself because it may not have been this way for everyone. However, for me, someone who dreaded the idea of turning 40, it felt like a nightmare, like facing my biggest fear. I was not ready, and it scared the shit out of me.
I felt like a toddler throwing a fit; I was privately screaming at the top of my lungs, “No, I don’t want to go! I don’t want to turn!” It felt like the end of the world was approaching, and though I talked about it with others, I downplayed how the thought of this trip around the sun plagued me so badly that I considered unaliving myself to evade this drastic fate, and I say that seriously.
No one knew how much of a failure I felt.
There were so many things I had hoped to accomplish in life by this time, and most of them still seemed so far away. I worried that they would no longer be what I imagined by the time I grasped them. Would the victory taste as sweet?
I’ve hit six figures before, but maintaining them consistently has been challenging. Plus, I want to be at least a millionaire and be one before 40, when it still seems to be newsworthy. I longed to stand on stage and talk about how I did it while still having the youthfulness of someone under 40.
I don’t put an age limit on things, but I do think there are some things you want to experience during specific periods of your life. They simply will not hit the same because you were a different person when you wanted them, and having those desires was appropriate.
While many have tried to make 40 the new 20, I have never seen it. I adore many older friends, but if you are 40 or older, you are 40 or older. Nothing says 20, but the rare exception of those who have indeed taken care of themselves so well that they appear younger than they are. While their lives may seem more stable, their fun and throw-caution-to-the-wind sides have disappeared. I mean, they had their version of fun, but it was not as wild as mine, which was still lingering somewhere in my past.
In no way did 40 appeal to me. Secretly, I’d hoped to have another baby before this brutal life change. But there I was at 39, husbandless/partnerless, and working a highly stressful but low-paying job so that I could ensure others still had a job. I wasn’t happy at all.
The worrying about the fast-approaching doomsday combined with the stress of the many changes at my day job and the loneliness were a lot to handle. And though I spoke with my psychotherapist about this, nothing seemed to improve the situation. I was spiraling fast. It got so bad that I had what felt like a mini-breakdown one day at work the week of the big day.
I was battling a mid-life crisis. After two and a half days of sitting in the house crying, cursing, and talking with God, and then trying to find a new therapist, I decided I needed to get my shit together. There was no way I was abandoning my kids and missing important moments in their lives all because I could not cope with turning a year older. It was a hard pill to swallow, but I had no other choice. If I planned to go on, then I would age.
I know this whole ordeal might sound crazy to some, but I was deeply troubled by all of this. Yet, by the day before my birthday, I had gotten some wits about myself. I’d talked seriously with myself about how I needed to woman up. I was acting very immature and like an ageist (though I hated to admit it). I also pondered over some advice one of my friends, who is now in her fifties, shared with me. She told me, “Fifty is so freeing. I don’t give a damn what anyone has to say, but I wish I would have started [thinking that way] sooner.” Something about that comforted me and told me I should be embracing these years. I should take her advice and run with it. I was given an opportunity she hadn’t had before because she hadn’t known, and she was kind enough to provide me with this knowledge.
Yes, my thirties were on their way out, and while I hadn’t lived the life I had imagined for myself, there had been some good times, and my forties could have some good times, too. I was not going to become an old lady overnight, miraculously, but I was getting to be an “older lady.” And while Amerikkka has no genuine interest in 40+-year-old Black women, I would still exist. I still had time to do something memorable and amazing. I could beat this mid-life crisis.
I recalled Dave Chapelle’s joke about there being “no such thing as a good 36-year-old *****” and winced. I remembered I had a hard time turning 37, too, but I had survived, and now I would do it again.
On the day that it finally happened, I woke up early as usual, got dressed, and headed to work. As I pulled into my job’s parking lot, my dad sent me a text wishing me a happy birthday and telling me he loved me. The rest of the day was similar. It honestly was not anything to talk about, but because my brother was having a birthday on that Monday, I went out to dinner with him and his friends on Saturday. We later went out to a club, where I noticed I was possibly one of the oldest people besides security. Nevertheless, I had a blast that night as it ended with us getting lost trying to find the car garage, resulting in a late-night, barefoot scooter ride as I held my breath and hung on to my brother’s friend driving it, and our cars being locked in the garage. It was a wild night, but I loved it.
Over the next few days, I gradually grew to accept that I was now 40 and was slightly hyped about the fact that, though I was that age, I didn’t quite look it. Two months later, I am still accepting it but also noticing little perks that go along with it. The more I think about my friend’s advice, the more I attempt to practice that free way of thinking daily, and it is growing on me. A mid-life crisis will not get me down.
I am 40 and not living the rest of my life trapped in society’s box. I will color outside the lines. I embrace aging and the wisdom that comes with it. A part of me feels like I can finally speak my mind freely and share my opinions out loud, feelings I had denied before because I worried I did not know enough.
Now, increasing in age does not guarantee an increase in knowledge, but if you have been intentional about what you’ve been feeding your mind, you may get a pleasing output. That is what I have received so far. Little things have been coming to me, and I trust my gut more regarding people and situations. I can no longer deny that I have been here long enough to know what I know, and that gives me more confidence.
I have stepped out of the little girl role I have been trying to shed for so many years but did not know how. With this newfound wisdom, I have even discovered that instead of always bowing down and trying to be a nice person, I can stand up for myself and be a good person. I am grown now. Years of experience and knowledge influence my words and actions.
I am 40; I am grown now.
Read more of Fancy’s Thoughts here.
