When we first started Theories and Thoughts podcast, I knew I wanted to communicate with my audience, verbally. I wanted to be able to use my voice. But I really struggled with being on camera and speaking. I worried about what people thought of me and worried if I looked okay. Plus, the camera simply we’re not friends the way the camera is friendly with some people. I can’t make love to the camera with my eyes. However, I desperately wanted to get it right.
It was no simple feat but the calling to use my voice was much stronger. This was something that was important to me, and I would be in internal conflict about it, but I knew I had opinions about things that mattered, and other people might agree.
Last week while completing a task I realized we had 95 episodes on YouTube and it occurred to me that I no longer feel uneasy or uncomfortable before I go to press the Go Live button.
Over time, I’ve grown more comfortable with it. I’ve become a podcaster. Sometimes I still twist my hands when talking or brace myself in my seat. Yes, I must admit, I’m amazed that I’m able to do this. I don’t do these sorts of things at all. I don’t normally speak unless spoken to. That’s the sort of woman society has taught me to be.
But now I see the error in that way of thinking. We should want to use our voices; we should want to take up space, wherever we are. It’s okay to desire to be remembered. It’s human nature. We should want that.
The problem was I used to not think I want those things because I did not think I was worthy of them. I used to worry that I didn’t know enough or I wasn’t woman enough to speak on things. It was as if everyone deserved to have an opinion but me because I didn’t want to ruffle any feathers or cause any ripples. That would only bring about conflict and from there confrontation which I don’t handle too well will follow.
Now I still do not care for confrontation, but I have come to realize that it is bound to happen at some point. Not everyone will like what I have to say and that is ok. That is life.
What’s most important is that I do not shrink myself to appease or appeal to others. I’ve slept on myself for so long that the I ache to own every bit of me and the first step to doing so is using my voice. I can’t imagine moving forward any other way.
This journey is only beginning. I hope you will continue with me.
From Fancy w/ Love
