Gloria, I wanna take you to euphoria.
Hearing Kendrick Lamar write about his pen and writing skills has rekindled my love for writing. The first time I heard the song, I was brushing my teeth in the bathroom mirror, and I had to stop and hit that move Black people do when the beat hits just right or someone says exactly what you were thinking. It’s like a heart smile.
”Ain’t no bitch, like my bitch, ‘cause that bitch been my pen!”. “Yasss Kendrick, yasss!” I shouted in my head.
And I as seek to find my joy, I realize I like that feeling. I want more of it. I want to feel that way about writing again. I want that passion I once felt when tackling a new writing project. It’s like the years of publishing a magazine has caused my writing to become so mundane. I feel no spark when I sit down to write.
Upon introspection, I even realized that I talk about my writing projects from my childhood more than I talk about when I wrote and sold a feature for $7,000. However, I also recalled how I felt doing that interview in comparison to the pride I felt when I wrote the backstory of a biracial dead man after choosing his tombstone for our charcoal drawing project. I remember that I knew that not only would I impress my teacher but my other gifted classmates. Those were the good old days….
Now, after almost 15 years as a publisher and writer, I find it difficult to feel that way. If you are a writer too, then you understand what it is like to long for those times when you can’t wait to get to paper and release your thoughts. When moving the pen briskly or quickly typing almost feel like a crime because you are writing the coldest shit you ever wrote—to you anyway. Those times when it feels like you are holding your breath until you get it all down without missing or forgetting anything, and then you place the last punctuation and can finally breathe.
In fact, this had grown into such a challenge for me that I almost loathed writing, which, of course, made this a tricky situation. This is my livelihood. Listening to Kendrick Lamar’s “Gloria” brought back all these sweet memories.
You either heal ****** or kill ******.
That’s what I long to feel more of. That’s what I wanted my work to be about—writing more of what’s meaningful, even if only to me. That’s the shit I want to write. But now, I barely have time to write, and I struggle to get my thoughts to flow like they once did. Sitting at my laptop feels like a chore most days.
And yet, when I heard “Gloria,” I sat down and wrote this.
I gave you hustle.
Excuse the curse words. This was a free writing.- Fancy
Read more Fancy’s Thoughts here.
