Goodbye 34, a Birthday Post

From the outside looking in it may not look like it, but my 34^th time around the sun has required me to level up in more ways than one. This has been both a challenging and enlightening year.

Sunday marked the one year anniversary of my family and I being in our house, and while in many ways it’s a joyous occasion, I look back and think “damn… this year has been hard, but from previous experience and knowledge, I knew to hold tight and just keep doing right by others and my spirit.”

And though many times, while in the midst of everything, that thought barely held a candle to what I had to face, I stayed my course.

Last year I learned about seasons in life, and in some ways that was a bad thing because once I grasped this understanding, I realized that it also meant all the good things that were taking place in my life were only temporary. Shit was going to get real again, and I was going to have to deal with it.

To some that may not mean anything, but to me, it’s a pretty hard pill to swallow. My social awkwardness may not allow you to see it, but I’m actually a very laid back person when in familiar environments and/or around familiar people, and I am non-confrontational. I cringe at conflict. On top of that, I’m an over-thinking perfectionist, so when there’s a glitch in my plan B, I lose it, or I used to lose it anyway.

I’ve learned to stop making everything about me. Kids will humble you like that or at least if you allow them to anyway. I say this because that is another way I’ve noticed that I’ve changed as well. I realized my overreacting was affecting those around me and since those around me are usually the people I love or care about, then I also realized that they didn’t deserve to have their energy tainted by mine.

But back to dealing with situations going wrong or unexpected, I learned to face things head-on. I stopped trying to avoid them or saying I will put a pin in it and come back. Deal with whatever it is as soon as possible so that soon it can be a thing of the past, something behind you not something looming ahead of you all the time. Again, thinking of others and the responsibilities or obligations I had to them and how whatever it is may play a part in that, also helped me to see what I needed to do.

And why is that important? It matters because this is real life, not a tv show or movie whereby some weird fate the situation miraculously changes- now wait, I’m not saying there aren’t times when you know no one but God had to have made a move, because I know of these miracles too, but miracles don’t happen every day for any one individual. So I learned to “woman up”. Make those hard decisions or do whatever dreadful task you do not want to be bothered with, and because I am organization freak I try to look ahead and plan accordingly.

Note, this actually isn’t a bad trait to have either, because I can’t remember what I planned ahead for exactly, but what I do remember is the awesome feeling I felt when my daughter said, “Oh, you thought of that” and smiled or moments when my son says with a sigh of relief “Oh, you got me ma? Thank you ma, thank you.”

Yes, I guess I also learned to be more nurturing this year. However, because I spend a lot of time caring for others, I also spend a lot of time checking on myself and reflecting on my own feelings. From this, I’ve also learned the importance of addressing the things that don’t sit well with me or my spirit. Even when it’s the last thing I would like to do, I’ve learned to speak out or speak up because oftentimes that is my intuition trying to guide me or warn me. The thing about our intuition is in order to use it properly, we have to trust ourselves enough to listen to it.

Sometimes we don’t like to follow up on the gut instincts because we don’t want to face the truth about things. As much as I preach about keeping it real, I too at times, don’t always want to face the truth, but the realness that I speak so highly of reminds me that when I am doing this I am being hypocritical, so I’ve learned to face the music. See things for what they are, which may not necessarily be what you want them to be, but that’s a fact you have to face and “woman up” to.

Many times, I’ve realized that too isn’t such a bad thing, because you can’t fully deal with a situation if you aren’t seeing it clearly. Imagine working a math problem and you have the wrong numbers. Of course, you aren’t going to get the right answer.

But when you see things for what they are you then know what you have to do and move accordingly. However, sometimes we see that what lies ahead is a lot to take on and wonder how we can accomplish or if we are even able to accomplish it. The important thing is to keep working at the desired outcome. It may not be something that can happen overnight or within a week. Maybe it’s something that you will have to invest months or years in to. Don’t fret over time, just do the work. Eat at it bit by bit, and you will be surprised to look back and see how far you’ve come.

Overall, the year of 34 taught me many things about how life works and the person I aspire to be while also making me face the person that I am and examining my strengths, flaws, and weaknesses, then choosing to address them or let them linger. I discovered the seasons of life and though they initially scared me, I also learned to embrace them and be present during those times, because they too will move on, and what comes next may not be so happy or joyous. In those seasons, the memories and moments from the better seasons are to ground us and remind us that we do know of better times and that trouble doesn’t last long.

So 35, what it do baby?!