Mother’s Day stirs up so many emotions for those of us who have lost our mothers. It’s a bond that time cannot erase, and a love that forever shapes the people we become. Through SwagHer Magazine’s Memories of My Dear Mother series, we honor those remarkable women whose spirits continue to guide us from beyond. As someone who knows the ache of mother-loss, it’s deeply in my heart to amplify these stories.
Today, we share the beautiful and raw journey of Lanika Okoro — a firstborn daughter, wife, educator, writer, and content creator, who carries her mother’s light in everything she does. In loving memory of her mother Salendria Mabrey, we celebrate a life of courage, faith, and legacy.
Please tell us about yourself.
Lanika: I am my mother’s first-born child which made an automatic leader to my two younger sisters. I am the wife, to a beautiful African IGBO man. I am a Community Nutrition Educator for the Foodbank of Central New York, who is a branch of Feeding America. I am also a content creator for the Meta Brand. I am in the process of building my brand, which also includes my Home Care Business called She Cares Incorporated. I am not a mother, but I am an involved auntie to amazing nieces and nephews. I am also a writer and performing poet with Off-Broadway credits.
Please tell us about your mother.
Lanika: My mother was, in this life, and still is a force. I say, “Still.” Because she lives but in the spirit world. No soul dies, just the body. While alive my mother overcame a vast number of challenges and hardships. Hardships that came common with being raised in an environment of addiction and poverty. She loved being the mother of three daughters. She admitted she wanted no one else but girls. She enjoyed telling a remarkable story and often would share her story of deliverance from the history of drug addiction. At the time of her passing she was enrolled in classes at Onondaga Community College with the hopes of becoming a Drug Counselor. She was enthusiastic about helping those struggling with Drug Addiction. She was just months before graduating at the time of her passing and she was the first student to be issued with an Honorary Degree. A common term she would share and exclaim is that “Jesus is a habit breaker”!
When was your mother’s birthday and her passing date?
Lanika: My mother’s birthday is February 5, 1956. She passed away March 9, 2010.
What was life like for you when your mom first passed away?
Lanika: My mother’s passing was earth shattering to me. I can remember the overwhelming feeling of loss. Not just the absence of the most important person in my life, but it felt like I lost my map. I had no idea how to live a life without a mother and that fear overwhelmed me a great deal at first. My future, my plans in my life seemed to fall to the ground for the purpose of waste. It felt like a punishment. I seemed to have died right along with her. Truth be told, I did. There was an old me that had to die to learn how to live again. There was so much to process. The silence of her presence was so loud. As the oldest, I also noticed I began to grieve for my siblings as well. Even though we lost the same person, we lost her in separate ways. I unfortunately began to battle with her death in my dreams. I had no idea how I was going to put my right foot in front of my left. I had to take life day by day, minute by minute, and even second by second. 15 years later, I am happy to say I have reached the acceptance phase of loss.
How has life been since the loss of your mom?
Lanika: Life without my mother has meant I had to be in the driving seat of my life. That I was no longer in the practice of life, I was now in the game—a time to take charge of my life’s path. Figure out my place in this world. I had to admit to running away from my life. I used so many people and circumstances to distract me from myself, from the reason for my existence, to detach from what my life and heart were calling out to me, because it all seemed so overwhelming. I had no courage for the leaps that life requires before my mother’s passing. After the loss of my mother, I had to become brave. I had to take my life into my hands. I needed to continue with “living” after this loss.
How were you able to navigate the loss?
Lanika: My mother explained to my siblings and I that life comes with and on purpose (for a reason). I can still hear her instructions to “make this life count.” There is a reason for our existence—a purpose and mission specific to me (only for me to do). I have also become closer to the God who gave me my mother. Together with my God, I strive to live a life of Legacy in honor of my mother. My family and I have also formed a community-based organization in my mother’s honor called “Linda’s Lights.” My mother believed that we live to serve others. She was a light to others’ struggles with addiction as she once had. She went from struggling with drugs and alcohol to becoming a Licensed Practical Nurse. We try to continue those efforts in her name.
What are your best memories of your mom that you keep in your heart?
Lanika: I turned fifty almost 9 months ago and I recall my mother sharing the birth stories of my siblings and I on our birthdays. This was a tradition I did not appreciate while she was alive. A tradition so important that I did not know until her absence. I can recall how great of a storyteller she was. I shared my birth story on my social media in honor of her. I also took the time to encourage parents to share the story of their children’s births. It is a remarkable time and the start of their purpose.
What advice would you give to someone coping with the loss of their mother?
Lanika: I want to first say please be gentle and easy with yourself in this season of life, especially if the loss is less than a year ago. This will be a new season with a new learning curve. Remember that there are stages and steps to grief so using them as guidelines can help you with this exceedingly complicated process. Advocate for yourself when needed. Most people are not prepared for death until it arrives. It is a truck from out of nowhere despite us knowing that death is a part of life. You will receive words of encouragement on how you should manage the experience, but not all advice is the best advice. No one can walk you through your loss. So, protect your grieving process. It is a self-led journey.
In addition, I would encourage you to remember these steps and the process to make it easier to face. Those steps start at Denial, Anger, Bargaining, Depression, and Acceptance. All these steps and the feelings they create are normal. It is supposed to be hard, but you are built for it. For the last 15 years, I have worked my way from denial to acceptance. They have no rules (self-led), nor a set time limit. I am just grateful that birthdays and holidays no longer hurt in her absence. That’s how I know I’ve reached “acceptance.” I can still feel her; her spirit is very much alive. For now, I learn from her mistakes and hold fast to the legacy she left in my sisters and me. Too often, when I get stuck in one of these stages, it is vital to recognize when it is happening to prevent a delay in healing. Healing from the loss of a mother is no small feat, but it is possible. It may be a new normal, but you can live life after loss. It will take invested time (in yourself) and effort, but it is very worth it all in the end.
Lanika Okoro’s story is a testament to the kind of love that transcends time, space, and even death. Her mother’s strength, transformation, and spirit continue to live on through Lanika’s purpose-driven life. In honoring her mother, Lanika reminds us all that grief is not a destination, but a lifelong journey of learning, healing, and remembering.
To anyone out there navigating life without their mother, be gentle with yourself, hold close the lessons, and trust that healing, though difficult, is possible. And like Lanika, may we all find the courage to live lives that honor those who loved us first.
Forever rest in power, Salendria Mabrey (February 5, 1956- March 9, 2010)
Follow Lanika’s journey:
Facebook: Lanika Mabrey
Instagram: @Lanikasimone77
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