How I Beat Impostor Syndrome

I must have lived with impostor syndrome for over twenty years before discovering it was the thing holding me back in life. 

I knew I played a part in things, and I almost understood how, but what I couldn’t understand is how I kept doing it or, better yet, why when I knew I wanted the total opposite to occur. 

Imposter syndrome isn’t a mental health disorder, and it’s a little hard to describe in my owns words, so that I will go with this definition from Wikipedia. Impostor syndrome “is a psychological pattern in which individuals doubt their skills, talents, or accomplishments and have a persistent internalized fear of being exposed as a “fraud.”

I had this bad. It didn’t matter what obstacles I overcame in life or what I accomplished because I knew there would be more, and if I didn’t’ know how to conquer those before they happened, then I always felt as if my supports would then revoke the love and support shown to me.

Many may think it‘s a confidence thing, but I don’t/didn’t lack confidence. I didn’t know how to feel worthy of my accomplishments. It wasn’t that I found myself unworthy of the compliments and congratulations, but again, I thought that they would be retracted when the next thing occurred and dimmed the light of other recent events. Hence, people would think I was a fraud because I accepted their good wishes before, possibly thinking I knew all along that some different turn of events would come about.  

It didn’t help that my personal life always seemed to be in shambles, but it was partly due to my light’s dimming by my own hands. So, I would often shrink back from the limelight because I didn’t want to be found out. I felt like that would be the end of it all, especially when I already knew my life was always in chaos. Not seeing the pattern I was creating again with my own hands.

What’s worse is I had been doing this since I was a kid. So, I was always in a cycle of getting so far then falling back down. 

I felt like Icarus forever trying not to fly too close to the sun for fear of exposure to the light. 

But I wanted it. Bad.

Each birthday, each new year, heck each month, I would say I would do better. I would put myself out there and stay there. Be consistent and show up. 

But then something would occur, and I would back down and fall off. Now, this was partly due to my bipolar disorder. This is a real disorder that I have been diagnosed with, but first, I was diagnosed with anxiety and depression. Once I became consistent with my medication for that, I was then able to think more logically, see my part in things, and take responsibility for my actions. 

It stopped seeming like the sky was falling each time something happened. I learned to toughen my tolerance threshold. I used to shy away from anything risky, but I discovered risks are where the gold is. However, then I had to accept that if the chances are worth it and the outcome is the desired one, then the praise would follow, and I couldn’t back down to it. I had to stand up in it- for me so that I could move forward. 

I had to make a conscious decision and pact with myself. 

What is funny is while I was coming to this conclusion, Arnya and I had Dr. Shante Holley as a guest on Theories and Thoughts after I ran across a post from her that connected self-sabotage to imposter syndrome. 

Yes, I was sabotaging myself, my success. 

Self-sabotage looks like knowing you desire one outcome but consciously making the wrong decisions and taking all the wrong actions to get you there. Procrastination played a significant role in things. Abandonment played another. 

It didn’t help that I hadn’t ever witnessed any of what I was doing in my career and merely moving off my sense of things, finding my footing as I landed wherever I landed.

I had to let go of these things. 

So then, I made a conscious decision to let go of them. I knew I deserved better. I knew I AM MORE. 

I had to be intentional about what I wanted and where I was going and then strategize how to get it or get there. Once I achieved my goal, I then had to keep going instead of stopping. 

I practiced making conscious decisions daily so that I was only setting myself up for success. Should failures come, then I made a conscious decision to push through and push past them.  ‘

You see, everything was about changing my mindset and making conscious and logical decisions to combat impostor syndrome. I’m not acting like it is easy or like I never reverted at times, but it has my life so much more rewarding, allowing me to live a much more full life than stifling myself ever would have granted.

To read more about my battle with imposter syndrome, grab a copy of our The New Normal Issue or pair it with a New Normal tote and make it a bundle.