Live Life!

I really debated about sharing today’s nugget (I had to find a word for these insights), because I wanted to save it for another time. However, a Facebook message I received last night confirmed my decision to share this one. Today’s topic is: Don’t forget to live life!

My biggest regret over the eight years is the time I cannot get back, the time I missed with the people I love, because I was too busy chasing my dreams. I started SwagHer Magazine when I was 25, and somehow I lost track of my twenties. I lost the friends I had remained close to since high school. Between attending Southern University and working a job, sometimes two, I missed so much time with my children. As I have shared before when I decided to move to Atlanta to further the magazine, I left my ex. 

I can’t say I don’t have anything to show for it, but man- I really was not living during that time. I was simply going through the motions. When I think back to those times, my memory is blurry. The main things I remember clearly were the hardest times, but everything else is bits and pieces. I know I was working though! If I was employed somewhere, nine out of ten, I had figured out some kind of way to still get as much as I possibly could done. Work, work, don’t stop!

Since I’ve learned to practice being present, I notice so many things that I hadn’t ever paid attention to before, because I was too busy or stressing over something, wondering if the next move I made would be the one to take me over the top. I only lived for the dream to come. I appreciated nothing of the present.  

One thing that weighed on me was my desire to be a more rounded woman. I don’t want to be just business savvy, I want to be a good mom and be knowledgeable of the world and self, as well.

I feel like I’m now learning to live. I am trying new things (small but still), enjoying motherhood, growing into a better woman, and partaking in a healthy relationship. However, I must say it was not an easy adjustment. Initially, I watched the clock with everything because I felt guilty not working around the clock. There were times I was even afraid that not giving something my immediate attention and/or completing it, would be the one thing I missed step that prevents me from getting to the next level.

However on the opposite end of living is dying. Having had two health scares in the past year, had fueled my desire to be more than just business. I even established office hours for myself. Those were wake up calls, but when I think of the message I received last night, I can’t help but think about how short life really is. I recall a line from a sermon by Bishop TD Jakes, “We only dying!” He was referencing the fact that as we age, we are only dying. This made me think as well.

One of my biggest fears is to leave this earth without leaving some mark or some sort of indention. And so I work really hard, and I could be wrong but if you are really good at what you do, especially as a creative, the work will always be there. And yet, another major fear of mine is to leave this world having lived a less than full life. Personally, I think the latter is more important, because while I want to be great, that is largely in part due to the approval of others, but only I can determine if my life was full or not.