Married at Six Feet Apart

Let me go ahead and put this out there; I am NOT licensed to speak or diagnose anything with anyone. I just have my opinions. Also, with that, I’m fairly certain that doing anything in “The Rona” times is a COMPLETELY different experience than it would have been otherwise.

With that being said, my first six calendar months of marriage have been an eventful few years “In the Year of Our Rona” time. There’s something special about getting married in a pandemic and immediately becoming coworkers that get stuck in traffic coming out of the kitchen or that need to reserve the conference room that doubles as a second bedroom/home gym and yoga studio. I wouldn’t want to quarantine with anyone else, but I’ve learned in a short but long six months is that sometimes six feet isn’t enough, and there’s nothing wrong with that.

You and your spouse fell in love with an individual; you can’t lose sight of the individual once you get married. Again, this is all just my perspective and opinion, but I feel as if people shouldn’t have to alter who they fundamentally are once you all are married. If we’re talking about picking up or dropping a habit that’s detrimental to the overall relationship, then, by all means, change it. But if we’re looking at a fundamental characteristic of YOU as an individual, maybe there’s a larger issue. 

Personally, it took a while to understand that just because I’m married now doesn’t mean I flip a switch and become “Prototype Mr. Husband 2.0”. It’s my actions and the intention behind the efforts that are supposed to change. The fact that she said yes to my proposal means she at least likes me, right? So my only job now is to keep improving and give her no doubt that she made the right choice.

For example, some of the most common advice I’ve gotten about being married is to continue as if we’re dating in order to stay married. Outside looking in? Makes zero sense. Inside looking out? Easily some of the best advice out there. Dating is like bartering, give a little here and take a little there, find the middle and do it all again on the next date. Six months in, and I’m finding that marriage isn’t much different. The only alteration is that now instead of doing it in hopes of another date, you’re doing it to keep your spouse on the date.

 Let’s say you pulled out her chair while y’all dated because you thought it was the nice thing to do, and it would catch her attention. Now that you’re married, the precedent is there from dating, so you’re doing it to KEEP her attention. Not saying if you miss a day, she’ll leave, but if you miss a few days in a row and then start missing a few weeks and months? She might be opting out pretty soon.

There’s a conscious effort that goes into everything daily to maintain the relationship and grow with it. Each day is truly a choice to stay married, the same way it was a choice to get married. 

The title of being married is simply that, a title. It only gets power from the people who hold the title and how they demonstrate or use it.

I feel that no two marriages are the same, that there’s not a generic version of a lifelong commitment. I’ve only been married for six months, and I’d say it’s evident that there isn’t the magic dust or the manual I was promised in the brochure. Those rainy days are definitely going to come, that snowstorm is on the way, the sock tornado mixed in with a dirty dish flood? You best believe it. But you CHOOSE to make it through to the other side because it’s just not worth it when looking at the bigger picture. 

Nobody wants to be mad intentionally, life is too short, and time is ticking whether we know it or not. A few minutes of a heated conversation about who did or did not leave the bathroom light on is not worth ruining a whole day, so you can’t let it get that far. Even if my wife is wrong (which I learned on Day 1 that that’s not even a possibility, but I digress), it’s better to have grace than to hold a grudge. 

Again, I’m only six months into it, and I know I haven’t made a dent on the number of lessons there are to learn and situations to go through but considering the state of the world and the mandates we’ve been doubling down on our time.

Luckily for me, with that time, I’ve had the opportunity to improve myself and work on ways to strengthen us as a unit. If there were anything of value I have to offer from what I’ve learned so far, it would definitely be to begin the art of listening. Listening with the intent to understand and not the intent to respond has been the single most productive skill we’ve found. It applies to literally everything from verbal conversations to nonverbal and physical cues. Listening is the key. 

Admittingly that’s been difficult for me, but it’s worth the effort, the feeling of being able to read your significant other instead of having to break it all down verbally is top tier. Breaking it all down sometimes is needed, but it can become mundane and annoying in a sense. The less time you spend “talking about talking,” the more time you have actually to communicate and progress. You’ve heard it once, and you’ll hear it again, COMMUNICATION IS KEY. 

-Malcolm Anderson

 

Malcolm Anderson is a Cum Laude graduate of Reinhardt University. From the beginning of his education, the ideas of creativity and ever-expanding curiosity were instilled in him. He loves working with children and helping them believe that they can do anything they put their mind to, a lesson he was taught from an early age. Although his focus is on Sports Media, Malcolm has been writing for various mediums over the past few years and aims to expand his repertoire in efforts to reach as many people as possible.