So This is Single AF?

For once I am not in love. It is a weird feeling. It’s empty. 

I’m a little embarrassed to say but that is how I feel and I don’t like it. Even when I said I would let love find me, I had some fragment of love left inside of me, but now that is gone. 

I don’t know if it is my meds causing the problem. I don’t know if it is a problem but it doesn’t feel right. 

When you’re in love it seems like everything is inspiring and exciting. The world is colorful. You want to do something extraordinary to add to the color palette and make it even more beautiful. Every song is that song that describes that feeling. It’s good. It’s better than that, it’s delicious. It’s like you can drink from it continuously and never be full.  And it’s fueling you the whole time. Have you ever been drunk off love? Beyonce sang about it. 

When you’re not in love, all of that is different. It’s boring and mundane. I don’t even feel like thinking of words or phrases to describe it. Everything is just every single thing-  all piled up and awaiting you for you to do something that is nine out of not as attractive or sexy as I mentioned above. 

And I say all of this but maybe it is just me who feels this way. 

I would really love to know. 

But one thing I am not going to do is settle for another relationship in search of that feeling. 

I think this may be a waiting period, an uncomfortable phase for me. There is something else I am supposed to do, but I don’t know what it is yet, so I am doing some of everything. 

 I am sick of being alone. Maybe I don’t know how to be single, but I feel the need to add, I am not one of those who are always in relationships, or at least I don’t think so being that I leave most relationships mentally and emotionally before I leave them physically. 

Something inside of me has changed again. While love is missing and wanted, I want other things out of life. I want a life, but I have no hobbies and no interests. Nothing interests me or holds my attention. 

Lately, I’ve been talking more. Not about love and not with any specific people, but just my social media friends. I feel like there may be something there but also as write this, I feel it again. There is a strong need to connect with something healthy, but I am not sure what that is. 

As I talk, people are beginning to reach out and share their thoughts or situations with me but I don’t think that is the end-all. 

I feel impatient. I feel ready to burst. I feel suppressed. I’ve felt this way for years, but now it seems imperative that I do something about it. Being that this is 2021, I feel the need to include a disclaimer that I do not feel like doing anything to harm myself or others. But I just want to live and love and this isn’t it. 

Photo by kevin turcios on Unsplash