THE ASK
I remember the day God gave me the biggest command to date: “I need you to publish 200 of my daughter’s e-books for free.” The “yes” I gave to God was easy to give because, for years, He nurtured the “yes” in me. Producing books for free wasn’t new to me. God encouraged me to do so for over 20 prior clients. At first, it was hard because of the financial loss I would suffer from doing the work for free. But as time went on, the financial loss no longer mattered. It was my pleasure to tend to God’s business and work on His behalf, which had ushered my obedience forward without question.
As I prepared to launch the project He gave me, titled the 200N1 Project, I knew I was carrying out God’s business. I followed His lead on the details of what to do, the authors’ expectations, and how to find clients. I was one happy daughter of the King! Being able to serve my Father while serving my sisters-in-Christ made my heart smile. I promoted the Project for six months, and then on June 1, 2024, it opened to welcome clients to become published authors for free. Slowly, at first, the authors began to roll in. I prayed, asking for guidance on how to get in front of the women He already set aside for the Project. Again, following His lead, I did as He said.
Then, my little sister became sick and was admitted to the hospital. One moment, I was laughing with her, encouraging her to move to my side of town, then the next, I’m looking at the doctors as they tell me, “We’ve done all we can do. She has to fight.” It’s funny how clearly I can remember the doctor’s words. I can’t remember much of the conversation, let alone the days leading up to her death. From what my memory allows me to recall, on August 4, 2024, they found out her intestines were leaking, causing an infection. They performed surgery and put her into a medically induced coma to allow her body to fight. In that, they found it hard to regulate her blood pressure. It had dropped to low levels that required a variety of medication to bring it back up.
Prayers, hymns, declarations, decrees, fasting, and faith were all I had to offer God as I pleaded for my sister’s life, with friends and family joining me in prayer. Each day, I visited her, spoke to her, and sang gospel songs about healing and the redeeming blood of Jesus, believing she would become a living testimony of His power. Because I had seen and read of God restoring health, reviving the dead, and giving others a new lease on life, I trusted that He would do the same for my sister. Ten days of prayer and all the things I knew to do, God whispered, “Shameka, come home,” and she followed His word and did as He said. She left here on August 14, 202; just 10 days before her 40th birthday, on the 24th. Life for me and my family changed forever – so did my business, Ebony Nicole Smith Consulting.
THE GRIEF
The end of 2024 was a blur to me. Bits and pieces of the time resurface here and there, but not much. I don’t remember my birthday, and I barely remember Thanksgiving. And Christmas, whatever I was supposed to do, I did on autopilot. Every December, I spend the month with God going over the prior 11 months and preparing for the coming 12, but that year, I didn’t do it. The world had lost its colors, and the birds lost their ability to sing. The clouds no longer looked soft, but hard and rugged. The trees stopped swaying in the wind and began to try to fight it. The sun— it no longer shone to leave soft kisses upon my brown skin. It was trying to burn it to a crisp. The world was no longer a place of life; it had become a dark, endless pit of pain.
I had no time to grieve the loss of my sister because just 15 days later, I had become the guardian of my oldest sister’s two boys, aged 14 and 11. Unlike the rest of my family, they had their time to break down and allow the process of grieving to take place. I, on the other hand, had to keep it together for the sake of the boys. My reasoning was, if I broke down and cried, if I allowed the loss to really hit me, what would it do to me? I feared depression, isolation, and bad decision-making. I was concerned that if I allowed the pain to really fester and grow out of control, I’d find some sort of pain reliever that wasn’t aspirin. I couldn’t grieve with a fear of what that looked like for me. So, I suppressed it with work, doing things just to be busy and keeping my mind off the truth: my little sister was gone. And for a while, it worked. I stayed to myself, did whatever I wanted, and did my best to stay afloat. The worst of it, I stopped tending to God’s business. My heart wasn’t in it, and it showed. I stopped talking about the Project and didn’t push my coaching and consulting business. If I posted on social media, it was all about me – nothing about Him and His business. Whenever a post came across my page about God, I skipped it. Prayers— rolled over them, too. Church— only when I decided to get up on time. My musical playlist changed to rap music from the 90’s instead of the gospel songs that got me through the good and bad times. I pushed all things of God to the side. I fell hard away from God because He whispered my little sister’s name. I had no idea that grieving for my sister would draw me away from God. When I lost my dad in 2021, I drew closer to Him because I had nowhere else to go. But for my sister, it was too much to forgive God for.
THE BUSINESS
2025 rolled in, and I got a spark back for the things of God. It was as if I was missing something and needed to find “it”. So, I went searching for “it”. The “it” was God.
Slowly, I began to return to church, listening to the music that fed my soul, and to reading my Bible. Prayer returned, too. I began to dive back into God’s business, and the work He had given me, and my business began to turn around. Yet grief was still rising. It hasn’t slowed down, stalled, declined, or become non-existent. I’ve had many days of feeling encouraged to work, but then the thought of my sister came, and I’d lose my drive. Prayer helped me to get back up. With God, I’m still hurting but still thriving.
In need of a soft place to land so I could crash and burn, I found it in God and with my therapist. Now I talk about my grief and how it impacted my business. My overall goal with grief and my business is to find balance. I’m still seeking it while learning that grieving doesn’t have to be done alone. I’ve found my voice with God again. I talk to Him about it, even when hurt, angry, and frustrated. He said to me, “You do not believe that I can handle your emotions?” In that question, I understood that I can come to Him with my emotions, knowing I’m safe doing so.
Grieving while being an entrepreneur is the hardest thing I’ve ever had to do. Some days are harder than others, but instead of running away from the feelings, God and I sit with them. I can continue doing God’s business, and my business can and will do what He said, all while I grieve one of the hardest losses of my life to-date.
Ebony Nicole Smith
Ebony Nicole is the writing coach and publishing engineer leading Christian women in business and ministry to produce the books God has given them in an appointed season. She is a keynote speaker, podcast host, panelist, author, workshop facilitator, and mentor to aspiring authors and the youth in her mentorship program.
